Eternal Sunshine

When I was a teenager, I thought that everyone was looking at me every time I did something embarrassing. If I tripped, said something weird, or simply walked through a room alone, I felt the entire world’s eyes on me. My parents would always tell me that no one was watching me and that no one had noticed, and most of all, I hadn’t done anything embarrassing. But I would never believe them. It’s called the Spotlight Effect, or a psychological phenomenon in which someone overestimates how much others are paying attention to them.

In high school, my favorite movie was Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, about a couple whose relationship deteriorates to the point of them choosing to medically erase their memories of one another. I admired the film not only for its plot but also for one of its protagonists, Clementine, played by Kate Winslet. Described as a “spontaneous extrovert,” she alternately sported bright orange and blue hair. Clementine was impulsive and irresponsible, but she did whatever she wanted without worrying who was watching. As a self-conscious high school student, I marveled at her carefree attitude and aspired to be like her. It was refreshing to see a portrayal of a woman who resisted societal stereotypes about women.

Now that I’m in my late twenties, the Spotlight Effect has diminished to a certain extent, and is no longer as illuminating as it was during my teenage years, but it’s definitely still present. I think the feeling is probably fairly common for those of us who struggle with social anxiety and generalized anxiety. The reality is, though, even if I notice someone doing something “embarrassing,” I forget almost as soon as it’s over. Or, I simply think to myself “Hey, they just did something I have!” and feel a strange moment of kinship. So now I just try to remind myself of Clementine, and how she once said “I’m always anxious thinking I’m not living my life to the fullest.” If all I’m thinking about is how other people think about me, then I'm certainly not living my life to the fullest.