Mental Health and the Pandemic

This pandemic has left a lot in its wake: death and loss (of all kinds), of course, but also disappointment, sadness, anger, and, perhaps most of all, time. Having free time is a daunting feeling to many people - although most are unable to admit it. We tend to measure our worth in terms of productivity: how many items can we check off of our to-do list? Did I make the best use of the time that I had? Could I do more? 

We bombard ourselves with these questions, nagging and prodding and pulling ourselves as thin as we can get before breaking. But we often realize too late that we have already broken in some ways. When we measure our character and our abilities on our productivity, we automatically set ourselves up for disappointment and self-criticism. We set unattainable goals, and when we don’t reach them, we become our own harshest critic. You could have done more. You shouldn’t have slept in so late. Why did you spend so much time on Instagram? You don’t deserve to take breaks.

Evaluating what we do and do not deserve based on arbitrary, unachievable expectations breeds self-loathing and negativity. I often have the same mindset myself. I think:  I stayed in bed all day today. I could have chosen to do work, but instead I watched TV in bed and slipped in and out of sleep, finally realizing it’s 9 PM and I haven’t left my dorm once. I don’t deserve to go out and have fun tomorrow because I wasted today. I don’t deserve to get an adequate amount of sleep tonight because I slept all day and didn’t do my work. I must stay up as late as I need to to get all of my work done.

Maybe a lot of people share this mindset - I’m not sure. But there are so many unhealthy mindsets in those few sentences. Why had I stayed in bed all day, watching mind-numbing TV and drifting off to sleep? Because, on some deeper level, the real world - with its consequences and darkness and trauma - was too much for me to handle, to even think about. I would rather watch TV, and NOT think - just allow myself to focus on the show and eventually fall asleep and once again relinquish control of my mind. Of course, when I did fall asleep, I was met with the same darkness I had so desperately attempted to avoid, only more extreme, more gut-wrenching, more outlandish. So when I slept, I never truly slept. My mind still worked a million miles a minute, racing through devastating scenario after devastating scenario, jolting me awake in a cold sweat, sometimes even with tears gliding down my cheeks. I woke up out of breath, like I had been running. 

So, naturally, I was constantly exhausted. How could I blame myself for wanting to at least try and have some tranquility? 

After nearly 20 years of this toxic mindset, I’ve finally understood the importance of treating myself with kindness. The truth is that we cannot control what we cannot control. This sounds inane and obvious, but I have begun to believe it. If I sleep in one morning and miss a class, I’ve missed the class. Beating myself up about it and spiraling into guilt does nothing; all I can do is make the best of the rest of my day. I don’t have to automatically force myself into thinking, “today is a bad day;” I am in control of setting the tone and altering my attitude. Things happen. Mistakes are made. And that’s okay - no matter the circumstances, but especially right now. We don’t have to feel 100% ourselves or cross off every item on our to-do lists to feel, at the bare minimum, adequate. Perfecting empathy is a skill, and like any other skill, it requires practice. 

We are the only ones who determine our self-worth; it isn’t based on any one else’s opinions, on our productivity, or on unattainable standards. We are enough (more than enough) when we are kind - to others, but also to ourselves. Watching a lecture a day in advance or waking up early to workout is not an indication of the quality of our character; making time to practice compassion, however, is. 

The golden rule is typically a lesson urging us to treat others the way we wish to be treated. Perhaps equally important is the ability to treat ourselves with the same kindness, respect, and empathy with which we treat others. Kindness goes in both directions.